Stewarding Gifts

Hey guys, 

It's been a while. I was so excited to start writing again through this blog, but with school and work, it got to be too much. I can say with much excitement and relief now that I am officially finished with my second year of college, and I am on summer break!!! This school year has been the hardest school year of my life. With the pandemic and it being my first year at my business school, there has been a lot to juggle. I'll admit it, along with putting off writing because of school and work, I also put off God. I stopped reading my bible because I was "too busy." I used my free time to binge watch shows because "I deserved it after a long day." I was giving all of my free time to myself and to the world when I really needed to remember to spend time with the one greater than myself and greater than all, God.  

In my last post on here, I wrote about how God spoke to me in a time of crisis. He showed me who he made me to be, beautiful and full of life and love. He saved me, and now I am reborn. 

I feel as though I learning who I am over again, like I am a whole new person. It's almost like I'm learning how to walk again, I keep falling over my own feet and making mistakes. Or like my old self is meeting my new self like meeting someone new at school for the first time. God is working on this new me, and is teaching me along the way.

The other day in service we learned about backsliding: not doing what we are sent to do on Earth. Through this new Maddie, I am learning what God has put me here to do. Backsliding is not an option. We are meant to steward our gifts because they are God's gifts, and we use what is his. In the sermon, we learned that a gift from God does not work automatically. We have to listen and engage it; we must be obedient. John Bevere is the one who spoke that Sunday, and the one thing that he said that stuck with me the most was "Miserable and stressed is the person who tries to operate in someone else's gifts: Do you know what gifts God has put on your life? How are you operating in them?" I truly sat frozen in my seat. Do I know what gifts God has put on my life? Operating in others' gifts has been something I have fallen into with my past cycles of perfectionism; I felt as though I had to be good at everything. What is specifically made for me? As John kept speaking, he explains that what is made for the individual is placed on the individual's heart by God. 

Writing has been placed on my life. There are many times when I feel like I am not a good writer or that my writing is insignificant, and maybe this is true, but I spend too much time focusing on those thoughts that I forget completely what writing does to my heart. My heart is all in when I write. The joy and release I get while writing is unmatched to anything else in my life. God placed writing on my heart for me, and possibly for others. I still have no clear idea of my "purpose" in and for this life, all I know is that as believers we are called to do what God had placed on our hearts. So, I write. I know that even if I don't use writing in a platform such as this for a job in the future, I can still use this to fill my heart. There may be no one reading this, and that could partially be because I am now terrified of social media and am still unsure if I am going to post about this blog post. You know what? I will post about it. Fear does not belong in a place that grows my heart. If you are reading this, I love you, thank you for reading the mess of my mind. 

I am going to keep writing. Even if I feel like I am boring or like my writing is not intelligent or well-worded. I want to keep writing about how God is moving in me. It has been a few months, so I have a lot on my heart that I will save for future posts. 

I want to close with what brought me back here: 

I was going through my prayer journal this morning, and one of my prayers from back in March when I decided to start this blog reads, "I will honor you God. I will continue to read your word and write my blog. This brings me such joy, so I will rejoice! Thank you so much for this time of peace and time to start opening my heart up more to you." Well, there it is in writing: my promise to keep writing. I hopefully will not let doubt or fear into my heart to draw me away from this blog again. 

Talk to you soon in the next post!