Letting Go Of Control

Hey guys, 

I have a problem with control. If I can have control of my mind, my feelings, my surroundings, then I feel safe. I always felt like I constantly had to keep my composure. Don't show you're anxious to get through the presentation to get an A. Don't tell your parents about your bad day because they don't want to hear it or have other more important things to deal with- you're supposed to be the rock of the family. Don't ask your friends for help because that will push them away. Don't be too much for others. To not be a burden, I would control myself. I held myself to such a high standard of composure that I trained myself to deal with all of my problems alone. 

The problem with this method is now becoming clearer and clearer to me: I am afraid of being alone. I have placed myself in a state of one of my worst fears. The enemy is strongest when I am alone, so it's hard for me to bring myself to ask others for help. I don't want to bring the enemy to others. 

Out of all of the things I have had a hard time surrendering to the Lord, giving up my control, or my natural defense mechanism to deal with my inner demons, has been the most difficult. My safety method that I used my whole life is now being handed to someone else. The responsibility of checking myself and making sure I am in line is now not on me. The pressure is being released. I should feel relieved, but I feel stripped. I feel vulnerable. This scares me beyond belief. I want to retreat. And some nights I do. I force myself into isolation again. As soon as the enemy sees me surrender my control to God, it pulls me further and further down into the depths I talked about in my first post.

 Why are you letting these negative thoughts about yourself leave your mind? They don't belong to anyone else or anything else, they belong to you. You don't deserve to stop judging yourself because of all the bad you have done. Keep it to yourself. 

The truth is, these negative thoughts, and any other thoughts, really all of me, can come to the feet of the Lord. He will take the weight I have forced myself to carry. My job in this life was to carry my weight and distract my mind during the day focusing on others. This is and was extremely unhealthy. 

I have found that in these nights where I am forced into isolation by the enemy, the only way to release the pressure is to be desperate for God's voice. Even if the enemy screams in my mind, if I hear a whisper of the Lord, I can push these negative thoughts away. The Lord will always speak to me; however, it is up to me to decide to listen. 

Recently, I have felt the Lord trying to speak to me, but I haven't been listening as much as I could. I am prideful in my control. Why would I listen to something else to help my heart when I have been in charge of that my whole life? Now, I realize that I haven't done the best job helping my heart in the past, but again, this responsibility is all I know to cope. I've tried tapping into the Lord's voice, but I haven't fully surrendered that control. I'm guilty of cruising through life right now, wondering why I can't hear God, when I'm not even fully willing to listen! It's very backwards. The times when I have heard God clearly have been when I am down on my knees in worship, calling out to the Lord in desperation. It doesn't have to be at this extreme all of the time, but I believe we have to constantly reach for God and be hungry for his grace, love, and voice to hear him. We have to be fully open. I'm working on this through my everyday life. This is very vulnerable and intimating at times, and it's ok for it to be! I have a feeling that I am not alone in feeling scared of this vulnerability. 

In times of my extreme desperation for the Lord, such as those times in worship, I was first worried to bring my pain to the Lord. I was worried I would just be bringing my hurt to another person that would think it was too much. I didn't want to burden God. I know this sounds crazy, but it was a true thought. Not only did God speak to me in these times of desperation, but he also comforted me in a way that I had never felt. I felt heard, accepted. I felt reassured. Yes, there is judgement in faith, but God wants to teach us with grace to be more like Jesus. He is patient, he is forgiving, he is understanding. I could not find that source in this world, and that is why I gave up and gave all of the responsibility to myself. 

There was one time when I was at my lowest when I forced myself to go to youth to worship. I was not eating, sleeping, taking care of myself. I was slowly starting to lose my control, but not to the Lord, to the enemy. The enemy is selfish. The enemy wants to take from us. And for me, I felt the enemy taking my purpose and even my life. While I was in worship that one night, I felt like I had nothing to lose. Anything to bring life back up in me to keep me breathing. I was on my knees, again in this desperation. I was sobbing, everything felt like it was leaving my body. I was losing life. They told us to speak to God and listen to what he had to say to us that night. The only thing I could muster out in one small breath through the sobs was

"Who am I?" 

I wanted to know that I was made for a reason. I felt like an answer to this question could have either saved me or pushed me over the edge to full enemy control. I wanted to trust that God could be my force to save me because I have heard so many stories of salvation. I knew that I had definitely not been listening to God in this time because God does not want any of us to feel so hopeless that we want to leave this planet. There is no way that I was listening to God in this period if this is how I felt. So I was desperate to know, what does God think of me? Who does he know me to be? I had no image of myself. I needed an outsider perspective. Who better than to ask the creator? 

After I was able to push those words out, with my eyes closed, I saw an image. I saw my younger self running through a field of flowers. I heard the voice of God say, 

"Look how beautiful I made you"

This image of my younger self warmed my heart. That little girl didn't know the pressure she was going to put on herself in the years ahead. She had no care in the world. She didn't know that she would eventually feel like she was helping to raise her brother, pressuring herself to get perfect grades in school, to work, to get into a certain college, running herself into the ground day in and day out. 

God showed me who I was and who I am supposed to be. Full of pure love and joy for the world. I miss this in me. I haven't felt that since I was that little girl, but I have a faint memory of this feeling. 

I cried in relief. I felt so blessed that I was allowed to feel that again and to be reminded that I could feel peace because I had when I was little. God provided and comforted. 

After a while of reflection down on my knees of that moment. A youth leader at church came up to me and prayed over me. I remember her saying, 

"I feel as though God is reminding you of how beautiful you are . . . and your worth . . ." 

I knew this was God. This was my confirmation. What a lovely God moment! I knew that what I saw when I closed my eyes just moments earlier was from God. 

These moments are so powerful and they remind me that God is so much more powerful than the enemy, even if doesn't feel like it in weak moments. 

This moment specifically encouraged me to ask God who he made me to be when I feel worthless and I want to escape. The control I put on myself to contain my hurt and pain to operate in this world can be sacrificed if I keep working towards it. I can release this control because I want to start living in the world like Jesus did, not living for the world. 

God can speak. God can move. If we are desperate to hear him and we put our whole heart in to listen, we can hear him and see him move. We cannot be complacent like I was and hope to see God move without us putting in the effort to come to God. We have to release our pride in that we can just figure things out alone. It might be a lot of work, especially considering where I was a few months ago, but I desire God and to hear him. I know he brings peace and forgiveness because I have received it in moments like that one night at Youth. 

We are not a burden to God. He wants to reach every single one of us. We just have to be eager and willing.