Peace in Pain
My heart has felt so full lately. This time, it does not feel as temporary as it has in the past. It would be totally ignorant for me to say that I will feel this way forever, but this is a good state to hold on to and to remember in the future.
God is allowing my heart to rest right now, and I am so grateful. I prayed for rest. I prayed for a peace of mind so I could reflect in a healthy way. Over the past few days, and since writing my first post and putting up this site, I have had such clear reflection time. The anger, hurt, and confusion may still be there from past relationships or situations, but those emotions are starting to settle. My heart is taking the hurt and processing while God molds my past into my future character.
I have learned so much. This is such a cliché and an oversimplified statement. Of course, every human learns from their past, but this is so true. If I hadn't gone through painful relationships or harmful thoughts due to my mental health, I would've gone through life being complacent with my worth for myself (which was VERY low). The people and situations of my past used to fill me with such aching pain. I would try not to be upset, and most of the time I wouldn't be upset; I would mostly feel disappointed. Disappointed that so many things did not go the way I had hoped. The deep ache in my heart comes from that disappointment. This disappointment too would not be on other people; I would hold the weight. What could I have done better? How was I not fulfilling my role? Those would turn into thoughts of: It was my fault. I could have done better. Tried harder. Loved deeper.
I used to think in hurtful situations there would always be place for blame. I hardly ever wanted to place that blame on other people, so naturally I would place it on myself. I learn more and more as I walk through my faith, there is no room for blame in love. Blame cancels out. In Romans 2:1 it says
"Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things."
So, to put blame on others for causing pain or harm to us is not always a good way to cope. The same goes for placing blame on ourselves. Humans cause pain. Humans feel pain. We are capable of both, especially through the enemy. When there is inevitable suffering here on earth, God calls us to rejoice in it, not place blame to bring ourselves back up (or to try to save others). Romans 5:3-5 reads
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put as to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Claiming my sufferings and bringing them to the feet of God, will allow me to rejoice in them. I want to know God's plan in building my character. I want to be all that he created me to be.
There is beauty in suffering through God. Isn't this the best news! I feel humbled by suffering. I feel great pain because of suffering. But through God, I come out feeling his love and bearing his fruit. He calls us to be humble and honest, through our good fortunes, and especially through our sufferings. This is where we can also find true genuineness.
Now, peace has washed over the disappointment. Are there things in my life that I still look back at and wish they could've gone a different way? Are there relationships that I wish never ended the way they did or never ended at all? Yes. There will never be a time where I look back with 100% of that disappointment gone. But now, when I look back at these things in my life, I see all of the love those people or events brought me to now. People I have been hurt by also taught me how to love, and I still have great love for them. The screaming thoughts in my head led me to be desperate for God's love and salvation that he has now shown me.
My advice for myself, and for anyone who would possibly take it, is be honest and bring forth suffering to the Lord. He will let that suffering build our image through him. Suffering is a common human experience. It is natural. There will be much hurt and much disappointment in this life. It is how we chose to bring it to God and live through it that determines our journey through the suffering.
