Full Pages- let’s start to read them

Feelings of my past overwhelm my senses. At night, alone, I sit and listen to the screaming voices in my head. That I should give up. There's no point in trying when I have already failed so many times. 

I look back at things in my past, and I can't forgive myself. I see God's forgiveness for me, but the enemy tells me that I failed to do what God intended for me to do. I'm worthless. I'm an empty body walking around. Why feed it? Why give it sleep? Why protect it?

To try to explain everything that has brought me to this point would be too overwhelming for one blog post or one piece of writing. My soul could not handle it all at once like it hardly did back then. I am hoping for this project to help me process and fight the journey the enemy has brought me through over the past few years. I also hope to see how God has been fighting for me even more than I have been fighting for myself. If God wasn't fighting along side me, I don't know if I would still be here. This is my truth, and I do not wish it upon anyone. But sadly, I know I am not alone in this reality. 

On earth, the enemy is so much louder than God at times. As soon as I would get a breath of air to praise and worship God, the enemy would pull me back down in my depths twice as fast. Depth. I don't like this word. My therapist says that I have emotional depth, and that it is a positive attribute. When I think about my "depth" I think about the pit that the enemy drags me in deeper and deeper, closer and closer to the bottom which I have come close to many times. 

It's like water. I believe water is one of the strongest forces on this planet. With its force it can perform tremendous amounts of damage. Its depth is dangerous and mysterious. Harm by water is fast and out of human control. 

I also know that water is a life providing element. It holds great power to nourish and heal. I know this is true about our God. I pray everyday that God will save me from drowning, which is quite ironic because I am a lifeguard, and I teach children how to swim. This theme feels very familiar in my life. I desire to reach others because I am too scared and feel unwilling to reach myself. I cannot provide for myself. 

In one of my recent writings I wrote: "I’m scared that in a time of great weakness, I will fully surrender to the enemy. I need healing, God. I need a miracle. I have begged to be saved. I have felt your overwhelming love and salvation, but God, why do I feel so sick? Why can’t I forgive myself? I am running out of things to grasp onto here God. I don’t want to leave, but it is becoming harder and harder to hold on. I’m starting to lose my grip. My hands are bloody and blistering. I can’t be all of the things I’m asked to be: A good student, a good daughter, a good worker, a good friend . . . when I can’t even be good to myself. How did you make me? Who am I supposed to be for you? I know I cannot follow the orders of this world, because that is what put me here in the first place."

I am desperate for God's love. I'm hungry. I believe this desperation is a sign of strength now, even though it felt like a weakness in the moment. If I can still see just enough that God is still there, I know that the enemy hasn't fully taken me yet. 

I promised myself to start writing to keep track of all of the times God has shown me he is present, even in the bad. I hope that my story inspires others to remind themselves that even if the enemy has a strong hold on them in their season in life, that God will ALWAYS be fighting. He'll be there when it feels there are no resources left, no clear path, no worth left. He will provide love, he will give us a plan, he will give us worth. All in due time. We just have to promise ourselves to fight for ourselves, even if its just a tiny tiny ounce of how much God is fighting for us. We cannot let the enemy win, when we have such a good God. 

For anyone reading this, I am so grateful for you, and God loves you so much. Together let's throw away the blank page of who we are that the enemy shoves down our throat. Let's start reading the full pages God wrote for our lives.