Eternal Presence

While learning who I am new in Christ, I still fall into deep holes of my past every once in a while. I remember that my mind was capable of going to wicked places. It seems so faint now, but every now and then I hear the enemy screams that used to keep me up at night and force a smile on my face during the day. I know it's from the old Maddie, but I still knew her. I lived in her skin for 18 years. I desperately tried to find a way to love her when I couldn't. 

Here's what I know now: the enemy had a hold on me back then. The enemy still continues to find ways to run after me today, but God has a hold on me now. When one is close and obedient to God and overflows with his goodness, the enemy is most threatened. I am a threat. I broke free by God's strength; the enemy was shaken. Even so, the past finds a way to haunt me every now and then. 

I've always had a bad relationship with the process of reflection. Reflecting would form into the beast of obsession. Going over scenarios over and over again until I found different ways I should've responded to someone, studied for that test, smiled at that stranger in the grocery store, said goodbye to him after our date, etc. Reflecting on things such as the world and human interaction will break someone down, trust me. There is always another way things could have happened if we think about it. 

Although looking into the past can be detrimental for my being, I find healthy ways to reflect on my past now that I follow Christ because the reflecting process influences growth in faith. The healthy type of reflection that I am now learning about is different than what I used to know. This type of reflection deals with reflecting on the undeniable moments of God. We need to remember when we tasted the goodness of God. 

A leader was speaking at a meeting for an internship I am doing this summer through my church, and something that she said really shifted my mindset on reflection. She said, "Don't forget what you pray for. If you are unpleased in your present, chances are, something that you have prayed for in the past, God has given to you." This makes me reflect on the prayers God has answered in my life, and it also motivates me to continue to pray. God chose me to be here and to find joy again when I prayed in desperation last year to be saved from suicidal thoughts. That's huge, and cannot be forgotten. He has done too much for me to forget. This new form of reflection in my life protects me from my harmful thoughts about about my past. I see now how even in the bad, God was protecting me and preparing me to escape. He was fighting my battle long before I believed that my battle was even worth fighting. 

Another thing that this new type of reflection is teaching me is that I cannot get needy for God to do more things without praising him for all he has done. I cannot get trapped in a constant state of looking for the future; otherwise, I will miss out on all that God did and is doing in the now. Ah, the lovely game of "What does my future hold?" We've all played it before. I for one know that I am well too familiar. I think about what my life will be like once I am out of college. What jobs I will have. Who I will be surround by. When I will meet my husband, get married, and have kids. When I will retire. Why do we have these stages present in our minds? What if God doesn't have these plans for me? The works he has performed are so good that I should sit patient and praise his goodness. But why is it so hard to be patient in this world?

Answer: the world feels like it is moving at such a fast pace around us that we can forget to be still. We get so stuck thinking ahead. Our minds are wired for what's next even if we haven't finished the now. How many of you have been reading a book when your mind starts to wander and you have to go back and reread sentences, paragraphs, or even pages?! That is how my brain operates sometimes. It moves at a mile a minute. It looks for the next steps like what am I eating for dinner tonight? What time do I work tomorrow? How can I fit Bible reading into my schedule tomorrow? I can't hear God in the now when I focus on the future. It's not my job to think ahead. My future is in God's hands, yet I get so eager to know my future that I try to plan along side Him. 

That leads to the important question: Why do we have to be patient and let God? Let's look in the word. Recently, during my readings, I have found a lot about having a patient soul. Psalm 62:1 says, "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation." Psalm 62:5 reads, "For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Ecclesiastes 7:8 says, "The patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit." Our life is not our course; our life is in God's hands. 

So here's what I've learned about my past and present: I can't dwell on my past circumstances; I can however, and should, reflect on what God has done for me in my past. I can't be greedy and plan my future; I can however be patient and let God show me what he has for me. I shouldn't live in the past or live for the future. I must live in what is promised and where God lives: in the PRESENT. His presence is great. We live for and with God in the present, forever. His eternal presence is promised. A verse that perfectly illustrates the peace in his presence and his guidance through our future is Psalm 16:11- "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." What I love about this verse is the word fullness. There is an eternal flow of filling and outpouring when one is filled with the joy of God. He fills us so we can pour out onto others and then fills us again. I used to empty out and feel like I had nothing left, so staying in the presence of God at the beginning of my faith was too tiring for me. I didn't understand the fullness I could feel because I had never felt that before. Now I understand. As I am learning to live in the present with God, I feel more full. 

There are days when I feel empty again like I used to, and I have to remind myself that it is because I am not putting enough energy into being present with God. I prayed with the prayer team at my church the other day about me feeling lonely and tired because I've felt an absence of God recently. One of the leaders said that while we were praying she saw an image of me drawing a line between the secular and the sacred that I jump across during the week. This hit me hard. I do feel like I am living a double life. I go to church, go to my internship at church, go to youth at church, go to a life group through my church, read my Bible alone in my room, worship alone in my car, and then there is the other side of my life: juggling work, school, spending time with family and friends (most of them don't follow Christ), focusing on what jobs/internships I should be applying for, etc. I have been living half of my life in the sacred and half of my life in the secular. I need to live all in the sacred. Now I'm not saying that I need to get rid of all of the things I listed in the secular section. That is far from the truth. I love my family, friends, work, etc. What I am saying is that in the past, I only felt God's presence while I was at church. It was like I had a "God switch" that I would turn on and off. I want to be able to feel him at all times, in everything I do. I can't be half in and half out. I'm getting tired because I am not filling myself with God 100% of the time. This also hinders my abilities to step into my gifts with full force. 

I encourage you guys, like I have been encouraging myself, to step into life in the sacred 24/7. Commit your life to the presence of God, and you will be filled. Even when the secular feels overwhelming, leaning on God in all moments will bring guidance. I know for me personally, it does make it difficult in times when I am at work or hanging out with friends and family outside of church because I am not able to talk about God and share his love in the way I can at church and with my church family; however, you have an individual relationship with God and you can always speak to him in your mind and in your heart in any circumstance. He is there. Even if you don't get to talk about him all of the time, you can always talk to him. 

I will continue to pray about the eternal presence of God. I am now starting to wake up some mornings and immediately feel God with me. This is huge. I am making steps to commit my full life to the scared. He is a source that is always there, we just have to tap into that source.