I’m Ready…

WOW. This past month has been lifechanging for me and my walk with the Lord. I haven't been on here as much to capture it because I have been trying to process it myself. God has been using me so much for His Kingdom, and I cannot be more grateful!! Through the internship I am doing at my church this summer (River Valley Leadership Institute), and through being a counselor at YTH camp for River Valley this past week, I have been learning how God can use me, and I can see very clearly now how God is preparing me for a next stage in my life come this fall. 

Before I get into all the greatness that is YTH camp at Lake Geneva, I would like to process an interaction I had with another intern recently that totally shifted my heart and allowed me to open my eyes to how God plans to use my heart. I was at a meeting with all of the interns that are part of the RVLI program recently, and I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to speak with one of my fellow interns at my church about some heart issues I had been dealing with. At first, I denied the nudge because I felt too ashamed to share my issues, and I did not want the other person to think I was crazy for asking to chat out of the blue. I had known this other intern for a while, and I wouldn't say that we had had many conversations like this in the past to make me completely comfortable, but I knew the Holy Spirit was clearly guiding me to this person. Thankfully, they agreed to speak for a moment, God bless. I opened up to this person about how I had felt insecure in this internship and how sometimes I didn't feel like I quite belonged. I didn't believe that God could use me to reach sixth grade girls or to worship on stage. I felt in over my head. I was exhausted week in and week out. I felt as though I had been trying so hard to pour into this internship until it felt right, that I wasn't leaving enough of my heart for myself and my relationship with the Lord. I was pushing so hard for this internship to make sense in my heart, but I kept coming up short. The intern I was talking with was such a great listener and was so patient with me. They spoke directly into my circumstance, and things started to make sense. As I was processing through the conversation, I realized that through my attempts to make this internship work and for me to serve these children with the right heart, I was taking from the wrong source. I was not crediting my work to God. I was not operating from the Holy Spirt, I was operating from Maddie, just like I had done my whole life before I knew Christ. Let me explain: throughout my life, I have always wanted to give to other people and love on other people. To make this a reality, I would take from my own time and my own energy to give to others. I would disregard my feelings, my energy, and my heart. This left me completely drained. I would take responsibilities that weren't mine to take. This not only wasn't helpful for me, but it also wasn't exactly helpful for others around me either. I may have come off intrusive or pushy. I wasn't taking from the right source. I was taking from a source that was never going to be perfect or 100% healthy (myself). The conversation with the intern I was speaking with at this meeting reminded me how important it is to take from God's source.

When thinking about taking from different sources, I got an image of the woman at the well. She had been surviving off the well while struggling with sin. She was cast out and was taking from a depleted source to live. Jesus came along and offered her living water. 

John 4: 10-11

"Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.' The woman said to him, 'Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water?'"

John 4: 13-15

"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.' The woman said to him, 'Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.'"

I was the woman at the well, doubting that I could draw from a source that would never run out. The well, or source, I was taking from was so deep and unreachable at times. When the well I was taking from didn't have enough water, I would isolate myself. I lacked the life Jesus refers to in the passage about His water. The source God provides for us is never ending and always healthy. The conversation with the intern helped me to hear God tell me that I needed to start operating my heart for myself and others from His source. I needed to start operating in the Holy Spirit. I will be so overflowing with His living water that I will be able to pour out onto others. God will protect my heart in this. I don't have to feel exhausted anymore. I can trust that God is behind me in this internship because it was Him who brought me here in the first place. He knows our capability, and he will guide us through. A verse that puts me at peace is 1 Corinthians 10:13- "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." He will not try us beyond what we can bear. If we take from His source and operate in it with obedience, great fruit will come, and we will be operating in life and love endlessly. I am so grateful for the conversation I had with that intern and for the change of heart it brought me. 

Ok, now camp: First of all, it was such a blessing that I ended up counseling at this camp. For the longest time, I didn't think I would be able to go because they had all of the volunteers they needed. Well, God provided me a way to get there through another campus at my church. I knew that He wanted me at camp from the get go.

This camp was for YTH students from sixth grade up to twelfth grade. It took place 5 days at Lake Geneva Christian Center in Alexandria, MN. It is such an incredible environment for students to spend a week with God and a great community without distractions from the outside world. I was honored to be participating in such a fulfilling experience. 

On the bus ride up, I asked God for a word about camp because I had no idea what to expect. This would be my first year at camp, and I was completely unfamiliar and nervous. All I knew was that I was thankful and excited to be going. Going in, I didn't even know what girls I would leading. I was told I was probably going to be with younger girls, but I was never certain. All I could here God say to me on the bus was, "You're ready." I didn't exactly understand what He meant by this. Was He telling me that I was ready for camp? Of course I was! And then I thought it was Him telling me that I was ready to lead my girls. I soon found out throughout the week that I was wrong. He was preparing me for something much greater. 

When I got to camp, I was expecting to meet my group of sixth grade girls. My heart was prepared to be a mother figure to this group of young teens. Then came God's first surprise that week: When I met my groups of girls, they were juniors and seniors in high school. Instead of feeling like a mother figure in the way I was expecting, I got to become good friends with these girls. It was a beautiful experience. I felt as though they were speaking into my life as much or more than I spoke into their lives. It felt very authentic.

After the first afternoon with the girls and settling into camp, I spoke with God again, and He gave me a word for my girls. When I was meeting with them before bed, I shared that the word I had received for them was, "share your testimony." I knew that this week was going to be full of people sharing what God had been doing for them. I also felt as though people were going to be able to release circumstances they felt trapped in and circumstances that had been holding them back for a long time. Sharing our stories allows us to feel more free. Many times in scripture, we are called to share our testimonies outwardly, without shame. In 2 Timothy 1:8-9 it says, "Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus, before the ages began." He also calls us to admit our sins to one another. James 5:16 reads, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." I felt so strongly in my heart that this week involved sharing our stories and being healed from our past. 

That word that I had received about testimonies proved to be really powerful for me and the girls as the week went on. I had a very special connection with one of my girls from night one because of our similar stories. Because we shared similar circumstances in our families, we were able to empathize with each other about certain pressures and negative feelings associated with our stories. We were also able to see the light that God gave in what could look like a negative situation. I want her to know that she is so so strong and that she is not alone. I'm so glad I was able to share my testimony about my family, anxiety, and mental health issues with her. Our hearts felt aligned. It was really beautiful. This was the first thing that happened at camp when I heard God say "You're ready" again since the bus ride up. He was saying, "You're ready to share your testimony, no matter how difficult, to better my Kingdom and to find community. Your heart will heal along others when you let your story be heard." 

The first night of worship was breathtaking. It was beautiful to see all of the kids at camp dive head first into worship and prayer. The room felt alive. I was upfront worshipping with my groups of girls, and all of a sudden, the girl I connected with night one about our family situations tapped me on the shoulder. She said, "Maddie, put your hand on that boy." I look over and see a small boy with his head down, his hair covering his face, and tears dripping from his nose. I put my hand on his shoulder and he started sobbing and shaking. I began to pray for him, and the Holy Spirit provided me words. I don't exactly remember what I said, but I started to get louder and louder until I realized that I was just about yelling. It felt so powerful, and I had no doubt in my brain that the Holy Spirit was at work for this boy. After I was done praying for him, he looked up at me and revealed his face for the first time. I got a sense that this was the first time in a long time when this boy had felt seen. He looked me in the eyes and said, "thank you." He then gave me the biggest, most genuine, hug. I knew that this interaction was not from my ability. God was at work to reach this boy's heart. I could see clearly in this interaction the great fruit that came from operating from God's source. God spoke to me again: "You're ready to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit." After night one, I was so excited to see how God was going to move the rest of the week. 

On day two, I was able to release another part of my testimony that I had been holding onto for years because it was so buried. It was buried to the point of it almost feeling "normal," at least that is what I tried to convince myself. I was able to comprehend and express clearly my specific struggles revolving around sexual sin. Now, I won't get into the details on here because although it is important to share our stories, this conversation can be very touchy for me still. It is very sensitive to my heart. I would love for you to reach out to me individually if you ever need someone to have this conversation with! I would love to discuss one on one. I opened up this conversation to my group of girls during small group time, and it was really healing for me to be able to verbally release the struggles I had been having with my body and my mind. I believe it is important for girls to talk about this with each other in a comfortable and safe setting. The girls were extremely supportive. As I admitted this to my girls and then to God during worship Tuesday night, I felt an overwhelming sense of God saying, "I will protect you," "I will protect your body and your heart." I felt completely healed of negative thoughts about my body and how it was "supposed" to be used for the world. I felt a greater purpose for the body I have been put in. God also did a great work in me Tuesday night and throughout the week with lust. Because of the harmful thoughts I had placed on my purpose and my body for men, I couldn't grasp the concept of a healthy relationship with a man with God at the center. I had had too many negative experiences with men in my life to the point of me not knowing what a healthy, God-loving, man could look like for me. I was reading Song of Solomon this morning, and there is a phrase that occurs three times in this book that stood out to me referring to infatuation versus true love: "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." We are called to wait for love because forcing love can be dangerous. Mistaking lust for love is also dangerous. I am excited that God has shown me my purpose for my heart and my body because I no longer have a forceful urge to put my heart, mind, and body to use for a man. I don't know exactly how to explain this haha. I guess what I am trying to say is, I don't feel like I am pressuring myself to get into a relationship to serve a man to feel complete anymore. In the past, I had been looking for this because I believed that a relationship was part of my perceived purpose of pleasing others. I wanted to please a man so that I could feel loved by one. This narrative has totally switched in my heart because of God. The scrambling and pain that came from my old way of approaching relationships with men are now cast out in Jesus name. I can sit in my greater purpose in God and wait for love that God has prepared for me in whatever form that will take. Again, God said to me, "You're ready to share your testimony, no matter how difficult. You're ready to live in my purpose with the body and heart that I gave you."

On Wednesday night of camp, it was Holy Spirit night. Going into the night, I asked God to confirm things about my gift of discernment. I asked to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I was able to confidently pray over people this night, which is amazing because in the past, I had a lot of insecurity surrounding praying over people. After a while of walking around and praying for people, God sent me to a specific girl who was folded on the floor, sobbing. I saw people with hands on her, and I felt this overwhelming sense that she had too much literal and spiritual weight on her. I went over to her and placed both of my hands on her, one on each shoulder blade. I knew I was covering up some kind of hole. I sensed there were supposed to be wings where I was placing my hands. I got an image of the wings; they almost looked angelic. Immediately I removed my hands from their place on her back because I knew they didn't belong there. Unintentionally, me and the people around her were putting too much weight on her, and I realized this. After I had released my hands from her back, the other people released their hands as well right after. She sat up instantly with a weightless feeling. I spoke to her as she looked at me and said, "Lay the weight at God's feet, you are meant to fly." I knew this is what she needed to hear because it so clearly felt like it was from God, and I saw the release in her eyes as soon as the words left my mouth. Thank you Holy Spirit for confirming my discernment. I knew what this girl needed just by looking at her from across the room thanks to the Holy Spirit. God said to me after, "You're ready to hear from the Spirit and discern in this situations. Be patient. Be obedient. Listen to the Spirit and guide those around you." 

Later on in worship that night, I was standing in the back worshiping, watching the Holy Spirit work in students and leaders in the room. I was overwhelmed by the Spirit, and in an instant I was praying over all of the students in the room, speaking in tongues for the first time. 

"You're ready."

Ok, last full day of camp, Thursday. This is the day I will remember for the rest of my life. During service on the first night, Pastor Peter Reeves spoke about how God cannot work with fear because God is love, and perfect love casts out all fear. I hadn't addressed my fears of moving in the fall and leaving my "old life" behind to start a new. During the message, I felt more at peace with the fear, but there was still something weighing me come Thursday afternoon during my devotional time alone. I realized that my heart was already processing a lot of grief about the move. I was so grateful for all that God had been teaching me that week, it felt like I was building a tool box for my new life in Christ, but I hadn't thought about saying goodbye. Goodbyes have always been difficult for me. With moving, school, and my new independent life in the city starting in the fall, I feel like I am saying goodbye to a lot. I'm saying goodbye to the old me, living with my family, my hometown friends, my church and my church community. The grief surrounding leaving River Valley Shakopee was especially weighted as I looked around at all of the people from Shakopee who were at camp. They have been with me through my whole faith journey. The auditorium at the Shakopee campus is where God saved my life as I was down on my knees one Wednesday YTH night begging for some feeling of love and life. I needed to process this grief with someone. I ran into two girls from Shakopee who have been my closest friends there. They have been there for me through everything. I was able to tell them about all of the grief I had been feeling. Through the conversation I had with them, God confirmed that we were all ready for a next step. I had been praying for one of the girls for a long time to see a genuine smile on her face and to know that she feels joy, and that smile was shown on her face earlier that day. She's ready. I had been praying for the other girl to feel comfortable in her skin for a while, and I have been able to see her grow into her own skin so beautifully. She's ready. God comforts. He confirms what needs confirmation. Even though that conversation wasn't a real goodbye yet, it felt good to be able to sit in the grief with those I have loved so much through my journey at River Valley. I know when the time comes to say goodbye, we'll all be ready. 

Now, what happened at service that night was incredible. I didn't really know what to expect that night going in. I was a little exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually from the rest of the week, but I knew I needed to be all in on the last night. God would restore me and  prepare me. I felt as though God needed me to listen that night more than ever. The night started off fairly normal. Pastor Peter PREACHED that night. I began to pray over the people as worship started, and something felt off. I started to walk around to shake of the funk I was feeling. In a moment, everything went still, I went deaf. I stood in the silence for a second, not knowing what was going on, and then I heard God speak to me the clearest and loudest He's ever spoken to me: "You need to sit down." So I made my way to the pews and kneeled down with my elbows on the pew in front of me, hands folded. I was still at a loss of hearing, but noises started to come in and out. I felt someone come and pray for me, and the only words I was able to hear from that person were "4:14 is the time." I have no idea what this means yet. I started to go numb a bit after that. I then realized that I am weeping uncontrollably. The last thing I remember is the worship team singing "You can have it all," and me saying, "Take it all." Immediately after those words came out of my mouth, I dropped. Blacked out, body laying limp over the pews, no control of my mind or body. Complete loss of everything. I didn't know this then, but I later found out that I was Slain in the Spirit. After I regained consciousness, I started hyperventilating and made my way to get some water. After about an hour, my body was able to calm down. Now my mind was able to start processing what had just happened. 

After service, I stepped outside with my bestfriend to catch some air and help process. I laid in the grass, my whole body still shaking, trying to collect my thoughts. Then, she started asking me questions to see if something would stick. After a series of questions, and me still shaking, she asked, "Do think you dropped after you said, 'take it all' because in that moment you finally truly surrendered everything from your past, present, and future to God?" As soon as she said that, my body stopped shaking, and I felt complete peace. I knew that was it. I had fully surrendered everything. I looked at her and said, 

"I'm Ready!" 

This whole week was to prepare me for a next step and to show me what it looks life fully living for Him, giving Him everything. God showed me clearly what it looks like to operate in Him. 

He taught me the art of releasing, and taught me that everything that is released needs to go to Him: I'm ready. He showed me what it looks like to share my testimony and the peace and healing that can come from it: I'm ready. He showed me what it looks like to be full of the Holy Spirit and to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit: I'm ready. He confirmed my gift of discernment and gave me the girls of tongues, glory to God: I'm ready. He showed me the importance of processing grief in a healthy way: I'm ready. I finally admitted I have no control over my life, neither do I want control, in a single act of surrender. In that moment, God took everything, and gave me back so much peace and comfort. I cannot even begin to explain my gratefulness. God is so good. 

I'm ready...