It Doesn’t Feel Enough to Just be Ok

I'm currently sitting in my dark bedroom in my new apartment. I was supposed to be taking notes for Supply Chain and Operations, but I felt drawn to here. To my abandoned blog. 

Why did I start this blog in the first place? To share my story? To remind myself of events to feel closer to God? Possibly one or both of these things. 

Is it fair to only post when I'm feeling good? Probably not. It can paint a false picture for others and my future self. Even though I touch on "bad" in past blog posts, when I was writing those stories, I felt  "good." 

Recently, I have been reflecting on my relationship with God. He gave me life last year. I took it and fostered it. Even when I didn't know what to do with the life he gave me, I still held it in my arms and praised him for it. 

I kept looking and asking for answers about my life to God, and he kept providing. 

Now I sit here, in college finally, feeling more lost and confused than ever, and I am not hearing any answers. 

Did I take advantage of the answers from before? Did I really ever have full trust in him, or was I just getting what I wanted from him in a timely manner? 

This may sound harsh or hypercritical of myself, but I must ask myself the hard questions because I can feel my back turned away from God right now. I haven't been in this position in a good while. I need to give myself some tough love. 

I think it's ok to admit that my trust levels with God before weren't where I thought they were. I had this beautiful image of my relationship with him in my head at the time. I believe I can get there, but I haven't put in the work to truly know him to get to that level yet honestly. 

To give your whole self away takes a lot of trust. I gave my old self to God last year and now I'm scrapping for any sense of self as I feel lost at school. I think the reason I haven't found anything yet is because God doesn't want me to find my old self again and retreat to my old ways of (not) living. 

I believe the only way I can find myself from here on out is to learn who I am through him fully. I need to get to know him first and then who he made me to be. I need to be patient and put him first and not Maddie first. If I start to get to know him more, then maybe, just maybe, he will start to reveal who I truly am. 

I am lost and keep hitting locked doors because he is waiting for me to find the door that is unlocked: Him. 

I know this post has a different tone than all of my other posts, but I promised myself that I would post on here, even in the bad. Avoiding this outlet is just part of the many ways I am avoiding getting to know God at a deeper level. I need to get off of my pity bed, and get to know the God that I know I love and believe in. It's ok to start at the foundation of belief and truth to then build a relationship with pure love, trust, and full surrender for eternity. 

This is where I'm at right now. These past few weeks haven't been the best. I'm here though learning what patience looks like. Every time I start to pray recently after not praying for a while, I feel God supporting me and telling me to still have patience. I hear him tell me to be patient but to still be eager. 

This is the big take away for me over the past month: just because you hit a high in your faith and God tells you you are prepared for a transition, does not mean you abandon getting even closer to God when you enter that transition. If I don't keep working on my relationship with Christ just because I felt ok, then I will fall on my face like I have the past few weeks. 

I pray to keep being patient. I pray to keep being eager to get to know God more. I pray that as I continue to get to know God endlessly that God starts to reveal my true self in him.