Faith over Feeling

I’m back!! It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I decided to take a break through the last bit of Fall semester and over winter break because I was way too overwhelmed. The break was great, and I’m so excited to be back and to see what this semester of school brings for me!

Guys, I won’t lie, last semester was quite a miserable journey. It was one of the harshest transitions I have experienced in my life, and I felt so lost. Being up in the city has made my heart feel heavier for many reasons. Placed in a new environment unlike any I had been in before, I was uncomfortable and scared. I remember in the first month of the semester, I would sit by my apartment window many nights, looking out to the city and just sobbing, asking God why I was there. It didn’t feel right. I just longed for Him to give me answers. As I started to navigate school a bit more, I got into a routine, and things started to become tolerable. Those miserable and confusing feelings did not go away; however, I started to numb them out. I became super stubborn in my relationship with God. He wasn’t giving me answers, so I stopped coming to him in every day instances. I would reach out to him during my really bad hours but not everyday. I stopped reading my Bible more because I stopped feeling the desire to pick it up. When I would read my Bible, I felt as though I was forcing myself. The feeling that became the most overwhelming as the semester went on was the loneliness. I hadn’t (and still haven’t necessarily) made close friends up here, and I felt as though everyday I was just going through the motions alone. Looking back, I didn’t make a valuable effort into reaching out to people on campus. I was bitter, so I didn’t even feel like trying. When I would force myself to go to church, I would sit in silence, and then later on in the night be upset that I felt so lonely in the place where I used to go to feel at home. The lonelier I felt, the less I had the will to reach out to others. I would come home often just to feel connected to people; however, going home frequently just made it 10 times worse heading back to the cities every time. It was a cycle. When I did have an ounce of motivation to make things better, I put it all on myself to figure out, which would leave me tired, and I kept giving up. All this boiled up at the end of the semester, and I ended up having a severe panic attack one night after not having one for around a year. Something needed to change.

I was so disappointed in myself and in how the semester had played out. I wrestled with all this over winter break until I came to a realization: I could not be bitter towards God anymore. He didn’t intend for this move to be painful and lonely; however he didn’t promise that it wasn’t going to difficult. I had to come back to him with everything because I wasn’t finding peace anywhere else. I needed healing.

Notice how up to this point I have used the word feeling a lot. Well, that was the main issue. I was completely driven by how I was feeling. Here’s the thing, at the start of my faith journey, I felt God a lot. I felt his presence and his voice every time I came to him and even at times when I didn’t come to him. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit and that all of us get access to the Spirit. I’ve seen that it is common for followers of Christ to feel the Spirit more heavily in some seasons verses others. Now, last summer (before fall semester) I felt the Holy Spirit heavily. I felt Him on my heart, and I could easily access his voice. I fell in love with Him because I felt so connected. When I went to the cities and school in the fall, those moments when I felt him so clearly started to fade away and fast. It was a shock to my system. I kept having thoughts of Where is my father going? Why is he leaving when I need him the most? I felt left behind. This was the start of my slippery slope into feeling loneliness and hopelessness.

Guys, let me tell you something that I constantly need to remind myself:

“Be strong and courageous; don’t be terrified or afraid of them. For the LORD your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave or abandon you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6

It doesn’t take courage when we have all the answers all the time and when we hear/feel God 24/7. It takes courage to believe that no matter what, He is there and he will provide strength. This is his call for all of us.

I was reminded recently that I constantly need to pursue faith in Him rather than my feeling of who He is. This is huge for me. I am sensing that starting last semester, God was testing me by taking away sure feelings of his presence in circumstances. It was a test of faith and one of the biggest ones I have gone through thus far. It took time for me to learn this lesson. I needed to stumble for a while to come back to the Father and admit my bitterness and pride. I thought I had my relationship with him all figured out during the summer, so I got a little too comfortable where I was at. It sounds silly now, but I do need to admit that this is where my mind was. I stopped putting effort in on my side of the relationship. I am now so grateful that God pushed me out of this habit and that he has grace new to me everyday. When in crisis, God is with me and I can still connect with him.

I think about Job’s story in the Bible. To test his faith, God let Satan take everything from Job. Job, in his faith, does nothing else but fall to the ground in worship saying, “Naked I cam from my mother’s womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” - Job 1:21. Not once did Job blame his hardships on God. He praised Him for his life. This story inspired me but also made me feel convicted. Not nearly enough did I believe the solution to my pain last semester was to simply fall to my knees and present myself to God. I always thought there would be a more tangible solution, and I ran around in circles, wearing myself out, trying to find one.

Come to God. Just come to him, even if you don’t “feel” him. He is there. He promises he will go with you. Greater is He than any feeling of who he is. No opinion or feeling will change God’s character and presence in our lives.

This semester, I have hope. Not everyday is easy up here; actually, it is quite difficult living up here and going to school here. It’s ok for me to admit that. But I’m alright because this is where God sent me. He believes in me, so I should believe in Him. This season of my life is the opposite of easy, but the opportunities God presents me and is still going to present me makes me excited.

“And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Jesus Christ.” - Philippians 4:16

I anticipate beauty, growth, and a lot of new in this season. I am expectant. God is moving.

It’s easier said than done to tackle feelings. Figuring out how to trust God over emotions is a process. What helps me is to keep reading promises in God’s Word.

I love y’all so much, and I am beyond excited to be back with a fresh heart. God is so good.

I’ll leave with this:

“Until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God’s Son, growing into maturity with a stature measured by Christ’s fullness. Then we will no longer be little children, tossed by the waves and blown around by every wind of teaching, by human cunning with cleverness in the techniques of deceit. But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head-Christ.” - Ephesians 4:13-15