Singleness

Hey guys, Valentine’s Day was on Monday, so naturally, I’ve been thinking about my singleness.

This week I just wanted to spew some of my thoughts about my experience with singleness and my past with men.  

Last week I wrote about being called beautiful by God, and it made me think about if I’ve ever been called beautiful before by another human. I know people in my family have called me beautiful. I know some of my friends have called me beautiful.
But, I have never been called beautiful by a man. 

There are many things I’ve been called by a man: “cute,” “pretty,” “hot,” “sexy,” but never beautiful. One word holds so much more meaning than all the others. In almost every situation when I was called the other words, it hurt. It made me uncomfortable. It made me feel like all I was was a body, or I felt diminished somehow. And most of these occurrences happened when I was younger (middle school-highschool) which made it worse. I was more vulnerable then. At those times, I could never express that I hated those words, hated the way those words made me feel. As a woman, I felt like I had to accept those as compliments. Like I should want to be hot or sexy, but in reality, whenever I was called those things, I felt like an empty shell of a human. I believe it is important for anyone, male or female, to express when these labels harm our hearts, even if the person calling us them has good intentions. These words hold hurt for me in my past. 

 Beautiful, however, is different. When God called me beautiful, that word held so much weight. It made me full. I knew it meant more than the other words. I knew that I was more than a body; I was a whole human, that belonged to someone. 

I’ve been thinking about the pattern I feel stuck in when it comes to guys. A lot of the time, what will happen is I’ll like someone, and I’ll start to care for them and show interest. Then, I’ll wait for them to feel the same, but it never quite gets there. I’ll keep emptying myself out until it feels like there is nothing left. I don’t know if this comes out of discontentment with being single or not. Maybe it comes from me pursuing something too much before I have it. In other words, I’ll act like the girlfriend before I am the girlfriend. Which I guess is in a way saying that I am not content where I am. I don’t know. I’m still trying to process with God what this means for me. This is me just processing here; in no way do I have authority to claim that I know what’s going on in my heart. 

The point that I am trying to make is that I’ve never felt pursued the way God pursues me. I’ve never felt a man completely choose me. Which can admittedly be hard to think about at times. I think we all crave to be pursued. And it can be hard to keep trying when it keeps hurting. Through the trials, I do have to remember that I have been pursued by the one who matters most: God.

    The funny thing is, I think I’m scared of being pursued by a guy in the way that matters. It’s foreign to me. I’m used to loving and caring for people, but as soon as people love and care for me, especially men, I get a little uncomfortable. There was a point in my life that I didn’t feel like I deserved love and care. That is why I was so hesitant when I first felt God pursuing me. I am learning to accept love and care from others, but it is a slow process. It takes a while for me to trust someone enough to be ok with them loving and caring for me. I know that I am protecting my heart. I’m not letting some in. Even when I get to know someone really well, I sometimes still feel guarded. This is something I am actively working on and curious about. I know I have heeling to do. 

    God is doing a great work on my heart, and I am so grateful. I trust that if I am meant to have a man pursue me, God will send them when I am ready and when the time is right. It will be a gracious process. 

    What does singleness feel like to me? I feel whole. I know I am learning more and more about myself in this time. I don’t think I could do that effectively in a relationship, at least not right now. I feel free to make decisions. I feel confident about letting God take me where I need to go. I’m not actively seeking a partner which feels good because when I do, it can be draining. I’m learning to appreciate this time more and more. Now, it’s not great all the time, but being content where I’m at and expectant for what’s to come is something God is teaching me. 

    This one is dedicated to all other single women of God. I know it can be hard, but you are strong, you are loved, you are beautiful.