Anxiety

This week I felt pulled to speak about my anxiety. My journey with my anxiety has had many ups and downs, and when I came to Christ, I became very confused about how anxiety fit into my life. I also had a more difficult time talking to others about my anxiety. It became an insecurity when it flared up. I felt as though I shouldn’t have anxiety any more. I was scared that my anxiety meant that I didn’t trust God. 

This past weekend I was at a conference for the college ministry I am a part of called Salt Company, and I learned a lot about these questions and insecurities I have about my anxiety from one of the speakers. Before I dig into the good word I got, I wanted to explore my past with anxiety. 

I used to write to get out of my head. I hated being in my own mind, and the only way I felt like I could get out of it was writing all of my thoughts out. I ran into an old piece of writing from when I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. I know that everyone experiences panic attacks differently, but I thought it could be important to share this writing here. Maybe if you have experienced something like this, I can help you know that you are not alone. If you have never experienced anything like this, I am very glad, and I hope this would open you up to what someone with anxiety might experience. 

This writing was titled “balloon”: 

My head throbs all the time. Not at the same pace constantly, yet the throbbing is constant. No, it is not the kind of throb the average person gets when he/she has a headache. Do you remember those punching balloon toys? You would blow them up and there would be a rubber band attached to the end to have around your fingers. You would punch and punch and punch that silly toy over and over again. It was so much fun. Well… not so fun when it feels like there is something inside of you punching that toy vigorously against the sides of your head. That is what I experience. A constant balloon punch to my brain. Again, it’s not always at the same intensity. It speeds up when it is convenient for it to do so. I can feel and hear it throughout my days. When it starts to speed up, I sweat. I get super hot and fidgety. Sometimes I desperately try to slow it down by talking a lot. But it gets louder in my mind. I try to outspeak it, but it wins. The noise grows. Thud thud THUD THUD THUD THUD. The force tries to escape. I must tame the beast, but how can I, when it wins every time? I lay down to cry because that seems to be the only way to get it out, the force at least. The thing in there doesn’t go away and neither does the balloon. The tears only do so much to release the pain. This time I lay down with my curtains closed, in the dark, alone. The creature takes this opportunity to punch the balloon faster. THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD… is grandma ok… school… seth… college… you aren’t good enough… just give up… no one likes you… it’s not worth it anymore THUDTHUD… I’m swallowing my breath just as a vacuum swallows the air. I don’t notice that I have started sobbing. I find myself in a puddle on my bed. My nose is blocked with running snot. I am in my worst form. How am I supposed to breathe? gasp gasp GASP. inoutinoutinoutinoutinout in out in out     in     out     in     out      there you go     in    out in out inoutinoutinoutinout NO stop STOP go back. 

Scissors 

Call for mom 

“m     o     m”

“... I’m scared” 

“MOM” 

Nails in the wrist 

Inoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinoutinout breathe just breathe   grab the blanket   GASP inoutinoutinoutinout in out in out     in     out     in     out     I hear the door open, a hand strokes my back inoutinoutinoutinoutinout the door opens again and I hear another person’s footsteps. “MADDIE” “MADELINE” “TALK TO US” SPEAK  s   a   y   s   o   m   e   t   h   i   n   g     anything. “I can’t” LEAVE ME ALONE “MADELINE” STOP stop s t o p you’re so loud, you’re being so loud. The balloon follows the tone of their voices THUDTHUDTHUD “Leave her alone, she’s not ready.” The puddle soon turns into a lake as I still gasp for air in     out     in     out my dog hugs my body shape. I stroke her back just like my mom strokes mine. I sit there and can no longer hear the balloon after a while. I hear the fan, the dog breathing, my own steadied breath. I can’t even pick my hand up to grab a tissue. I’m so weak. My body has turned to mush to melt into the lake of tears I have created on the bed. 

Going back to this moment is wild. I remember exactly what this moment felt like at the time. It felt like my body was shutting down. I knew my mind had given up and my body was starting to as well. After coming to Christ, I can’t say I’ve had a moment similar to this, at least not this bad. Praise God. But I still feel small moments of anxiety/panic that mirror this. I still know what it is like when my mind and body start to shut down. I still have those intrusive thoughts that yell at me, telling me I’m not good enough. I know now that that is the enemy. 

I want to talk about the conference now. One the second day we had a variety of breakout rooms to choose from to sit in. I was immediately drawn to the one titled “Anxiety.” One speaker started the breakout room explaining his walk with anxiety and how it had changed knowing Christ. He explained it beautifully. He said, “I feel healthy. I really do. But I also feel exhausted. God is doing surgery on my heart, and it can be exhausting.” That is exactly how I feel at this stage in my life. What God is doing in my heart is so good, but I feel exhausted. Jesus is the healer. It’s worth it for Him to rip me open and put my pieces together. The speaker also explained that the best thing about this life is getting to know Jesus. Anything that brings us to Jesus is worth it. Ultimately, looking back at my testimony, my anxiety journey is what brought me to Jesus. It is so cool to think about it from that perspective. It makes all things worth it to get to Jesus in my mind. 

The next thing that he talked about was incredible. He walked through the triggers of anxiety. At the end of the day, anxiety is a trigger to find safety. When our bodies and minds don’t feel safe, anxiety steps in. Some people have sharper wiring there than others. He asked, “where do you go to find safety?” And when I sat and thought about it, before God, I truly don’t know where I went to find safety. I didn’t feel safe in my mind or in my body at all. That’s why I wanted to escape so badly. He then asked about a topic that was pretty impactful: “Is anxiety a lack of trust in God?” He explained, “not necessarily.” The Spirit was given to us to dwell in us, and the Spirit is perfect. The Spirit is God. There is something to be said about our mind, body, and spirit. Our minds and our bodies are imperfect. They are human. But the Spirit in us is perfect. He said, “We can be completely safe with God in our Spirit, but our bodies and minds don’t know that.” Our bodies and minds aren’t trained for that. This was something interesting for me to sit in. It’s all about training our minds and bodies by the Spirit of God to tell them that we are safe. We are safe because of God. I felt God’s grace as I was sitting in this. Every time when it felt like my mind or body failed, God has forgiven and loved me. He knows the imperfection of our minds and bodies. He sent the Spirit to be our helper. My anxiety in itself does not mean I don’t trust God; however, the way I encourage myself through the Spirit towards healing is crucial for my faith and my relationship with God. 

Anxiety opens up possibilities of intimate moments with God.  It’s not productive to just push down my fears with truth. I must also come directly to God with my fears. I need to sit and have conversations with Him about constantly working towards healing. Even if He doesn’t change my circumstances, I will still run to Him for my safety.