Pray continuously
This post is going to be raw and a little bit jumbled, just needed to spill some thoughts tonight.
The battle I have with anxiety is not going away. Sometimes I wish it would. Actually, most of the time I wish it would. Ever since I was diagnosed roughly ten years ago, I wanted this part of me to disappear. I’ve recently been on spring break, and my anxiety was quite frankly the worst its been in around a year, to the point of pretty intense physical symptoms. I don’t care to write too much about it because I am still resting after a hard week, but I wanted to share some quick thoughts about my journey as a whole.
Ever since I came to know God, I have prayed over my anxiety. Prayed to understand it. Prayed that I would be healed from it. Asked God if my anxiety had a purpose. Sometimes I would get desperate and ask, “Why wasn’t I given peace here on earth?” “Why anxiety?” “Why me?” I feel like a broken record at this point if I’m being honest. It’s the same prayer week in and week out. It’s the same prayer request I ask the prayer teams at church. It’s the same thing I tell my friends about when I am having a particularly hard week. I feel like it starts to lose its meaning to some people. For example, in my head, when I tell my loved one “I had another panic attack,” I believe they just think, oh yeah that’s just Maddie. Like its normal. That’s definitely a lie from the enemy, but its a pretty good one cuz it gets to me. I want to not give my anxiety power, but it is confusing because it is a prevalent part of who I am. I can’t help though but feel guilty and apologetic for it. I have all these thoughts that I don’t want to have and all these feelings that I don’t want to feel because of my anxiety, but it is still my reality. It’s been part of my journey for so long now that it has been through cycles of friends and different life seasons. Whenever there is any remote change in my life, like when friends naturally start to drift away (not for any specific bad reason but simply time), the enemy finds a way to attack with thoughts like, it’s all you and your anxiety’s fault. They left because of you. Funny how the enemy finds your weakest point and magnifies it. How do I bring my anxiety into the light to get help without giving it too much power? This is something that I am always asking myself. I don’t want to sound like the boy who cried wolf because I keep asking for help, but my anxiety still inhabits my everyday life and is very steady. I need community with me in this battle. It’s really hard to walk through it alone here on earth, and the enemy does a good job at making me feel like I am sometimes.
Today while I was at church, I felt like I needed to ask for prayer again. As service was done and the prayer team went up to the front, I was glued to my chair. I couldn’t get myself to go up to prayer team. I think I was feeling some shame for asking for the same prayer for so long. I didn’t want to feel this shame, but it washed over me. I sat there, closed my eyes, and pleaded to God, “Can you please bring the right person to come up to me right now and pray over me? I feel ashamed to seek someone. I don’t even know who to seek or what to say.” God blessed me. This lovely couple from the prayer team walked across the auditorium to where I was sitting. They asked if they could pray over me but first wanted to know my story. Complete strangers wanting to know me and see me. I felt God’s love rush over me, just as it does again and again when I reach to Him. God loves me so much, and I will never understand completely why. Especially in moments when I feel completely broken. As I told the couple my story of anxiety and what I had specifically been experiencing over the past week, I sobbed. It is always so exhausting, emotionally, physically, and spiritually every time I speak about my struggles with anxiety with others. They were so patient, intentional and respectful with me. I felt safe. I felt so loved. The man told me that I was a conqueror and that this struggle will bring life to others and glory to God and that I was strong to be a host for the virus of anxiety. His wife then looked at me and asked, “do you believe that?” The first thing that popped into my head was no, then sometimes, and then what came out of my mouth in between sobs was “It’s hard to.” Which is true. I think I do believe that, but it is hard to see the purpose when I am in the trenches of the struggle if that makes sense.
After such a loving and caring conversation with the couple, the wife said to me with great confidence and grace, “Never stop praying about your anxiety. Be curious. Let God know about it. Ask Him how he can use you through it. Never give up on exploring this part of you. You are a warrior.” And wow, I felt so encouraged. Answered prayers take time, and sometimes never come here on earth. But we must always pray, and this is something I can hope for. I always have God there walking with me through this struggle. There will be people and events that I will pass through with my anxiety, but God is there through it all and knows how it is a part of who I am here on earth. He loves me regardless of any struggle. He isn’t scared of any of my thoughts or feelings. I want to have a posture of always praying, through every up and down, and to start working towards not feeling shame about something that is a part of who I am.
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
